Once upon a time, there was a gurl.
This gurl had perky boobs.
And curly hair on her chest.
People called her "Manly Michi" or "The Mitch Man" for short, even though it wasn't shorter at all. They never figured out why she was called "Manly" though, cause The Mitch Man only bared her hairy bazooms to one person, and otherwise she was quite feminine.
The Mitch Man had a lovely gurlfriend named Tenoh Haruka, who was mistakenly called "Oozora Kakeru" or "that Hongou Yui girl" by the uninitiated, and who was the only person who had the privilege (?) of seeing The Mitch Man's chest. One day Haruka told The Mitch Man that unless she got rid of her ungodly chest hair, she would leave and get a sex change so that Bob would think that she was a weird cross between Kakeru and Tomoe-kyouju and therefore end up falling in love with her. Him, that is.
Well, The Mitch Man knew Haruka was desperate if she was gonna leave her for Bob of all possible choices on the planet, so The Mitch Man decided to remove her chest hair once and for all!
First, The Mitch Man tried shaving her boobs, but she gave herself a cut which, though small, nevertheless bled like a headless chicken. All that blood put thoughts in her mind about all those cheap gag-me lesbian vampire porno movies that straight guys (and Haruka) liked to rent from the smut shops, so The Mitch Man decided to try something else.
The Mitch Man tried everything, from waxing, to plucking, to depilatory creams. She even tried Nads after watching an infomercial for the stuff, and she even ordered such great infomercial products as the RonCo food dehydrator and the Ingenio Fat Free cookware even though they had nothing to do with chest hair removal.
Manly Michi then bought a home electrolysis kit to remove the damn chest hairs. But even though she was the most elegant and graceful of the Senshi, she managed to klutz out and electrocute herself so bad that she gave herself a heart attack. In the end The Mitch Man had to sell her Stradivarius violin to a black market string instrument dealer named Chiba Mamoru in order to pay off all her hospital bills. After this sale was made in a dark Tokyo alley, Mamoru tried to do dirty things to The Mitch Man with his "extendable cane," but The Mitch Man quickly deep submerged his rosy (har har) little ass and got away unharmed.
((The next day, The Mitch Man read in the papers that Mamoru had cleaned up his image and had gone to live in San Francisco with a gay fashion designer named Fiore. Fiore was so famous he only had one name, like Cher, Madonna, and Bob. But that's another story.))
Weeks passed without any solution to chest hair removal, and The Mitch Man became desperate. Haruka had already sold her yellow convertible and her 1,000-count box of twenty-four karat gold hoop earrings to pay for the sex change that would make Bob fall in love with her. Him.
But then, while sitting up late one night in the living room watching TV and pigging out on leftover hamachi sashimi (raw yellowtail tuna), The Mitch Man found her answer!
It was an infomercial for the Selleca Solution! Like a lot of other out-of-job actors, Connie Selleca had sold what little self-respect she had left after marrying muzak composer John Tesh to plug her new miracle skin cream, the Selleca Solution. The Mitch Man watched this new infomercial most intently.
And then, The Mitch Man found it! The Selleca Solution's miracle ingredient was:
Hawaiian red-marine algae! *boom boom boom*
The Mitch Man knew what she had to do. First, she called Mamoru in San Francisco and threatened that if he didn't return her violin plus an added sum of one billion yen, she would tell his boytoy Fiore about his dark past as a black market dealer and as a person who tried his hand (but never succeeded) in raping pretty girls.
Well, Fiore must have been good in bed cause Mamoru immediately delivered "the goods," and The Mitch Man, her chest hair well-hidden under elegant gowns paid for by the billion yen, began to bring in money by playing her violin again for parties held by snobby gay boys in Tokyo. A week before Haruka's scheduled sex change operation, she had raised enough money to buy all the shares of the Selleca solution, plus the harvesting rights to the red marine algae!
Well, The Mitch Man's beautifully creamy skin had no need of the Selleca Solution, but she used the harvesting rights to get all the algae she needed and with her Outer Senshi brainpower she made gallons of a miracle solution with the algae. She drank a gallon of the stuff everyday, which meant that she needed to urinate a bit more often than usual, but The Mitch Man knew that suffering brought success!
After the third day of drinking the miracle tonic, several days before Haruka's scheduled sex change operation, The Mitch Man climbed into bed with Haruka and "bared" the shocking truth: the algae had cleared up all her chest hair!!!
Haruka wept and hugged her new, smooth-breasted gurlfriend, and vowed never to get a sex change, especially for some weirdo who called himself things like Bob and wrote stupid parodies of cool lesbian couples. From then on, Manly Michi was known not as The Mitch Man but as the "graceful, feminine, elegant Kaioh Michiru."
The next morning, Haruka got a refund for the sex change operation and bought herself a new convertible plus another 1,000-count box of gold hoop earrings. Fortunately, the market price of gold had gone down in the last few days which meant Haruka had some money left over, and she happily decided to buy something to take home to Michiru.
When Haruka got home with a gift-wrapped crate of sea monkeys (she knew how much Michiru loved ocean creatures), she was greatly shocked: the algae drink had turned Michiru's blondish-brown hair green! Aqua! Turquoise! Blue! Teal! Green!
But Michiru was quite happy with her new hair color, and Haruka had to admit that it made her even sexier. Privately she shuddered to think how Michiru would have looked with GREEN chest hair.
But anyway, Michiru's new hair brought her much success. "The Mitch Man" was considered a snobby classical violinist before her hair color and name change, but "the graceful, feminine, elegant Kaioh Michiru" got top billing at countless punk and rock concerts on account of her "trendy" hair color, and brought the exquisite strains of her music to a much wider audience. With the extra money she raised, Michiru started support groups across the world for women with chest hair. She never forgot her humble beginnings.
And of course, they lived happily ever after.
 Michi Man! (a song sung to the tune of "Macho Man" o.o) Michi, Michi Man!
I wanna be a Michi Man! -_-;;; |
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Wasn't that just mitchin'?