i closed my eyes and saw you again for the first time in ages
i was surprised to meet you there
it had been a while since you appeared in my head
but there you were
that smile
those fuckingly perfect teeth i still want to feel on my neck
that hand so innocently placed on your chin
as if you were intentionally trying to make your pose seem unintentional
i stood by you as you sat at a desk of tacky yellow wood
flirted with you the way i was never able to when i loved you
you grinned back and reached out
and five of my six senses short-circuited
annihilated by the overwhelming slide of your fingers over mine
don't get me wrong
you were still heterosexual
you were still a cute asshole
you were still uninterested
but you smiled back this time
you smiled a real one at worthless little me
you gave as good as you got
you didn't make me feel as if i was treading on eggshells with every word spoken
you didn't make me feel
you healed the wound you had made
and oddly enough, that tempted me to go to you and beg you to reopen it
the drama was gone and we had become comrades in a lame sitcom
me, the dirty guy-chaser
you, the unwilling party
so pathetically ordinary
yet it was filled with audience laughter and toothy smiles and challenges
and i loved every minute of it cause it wasn't angst anymore
no more tears
just me appraising your body and leering
just you grinning and sliding your hand over mine to make our friends guffaw
just laughter and challenging smiles
i didn't want to wake up
but it was too late
cause the scenery in my head changed
and you and i weren't inside the warm room with the tacky desk anymore
we were standing outside on the street with people passing by
it was a public area in full view of society's eyes
and as i laughingly turned to you for a dose of badinage
i saw your face grow cold
i saw you walk away
i saw the memory of me being hastily exiled from your eyes
and i realized i was about to wake up
cause my dreams always get closer to reality just before i rise and shine
(for Mike B.)