assault

written 7 April 2000 copyright © 2000-present James Sanghyun Han (a.k.a. steal this and DIE)


i was writing a letter to you at work
odd - i don't ever have jobs except in my dreams
my boss came up to me
handed me an envelope to be sent off to you right away
and i was joyful
joyful that now i might be able to meet you

i was gonna secretly stick my own letter into that envelope
but just then you walked in with four of my friends
and even though it was my dream i was amazed
that on your visit to this country you'd come to my workplace

amazingly enough you weren't the way i always pictured you
which is odd since this was my little dream
one moment you had glasses
the next you were darker and thinner
but it was you

and amazingly enough i was shy when i saw you
odd - i try to grab the moment in my dreams
i avoided you and casually hid behind my friends
i walked ahead of you on our way to the restaurant
so i wouldn't have to stare at your body on the way

inside the restaurant you were stoically shy
your eyebrows knitted in pretense of concentration
staring straight ahead with your pretty, slanted eyes
you sat at a different table
not because you knew how i felt
but cause the tables weren't big enough
big enough for you, my friends, and i
and you were the outsider outside your nation

and i so wanted to join you
include you
take you
this was my sleep-fantasy, after all
but i couldn't, amazingly enough

instead i got upset that you were sitting away from us
i went upstairs to brood
and amazingly enough you were there when i got there
you looked at me and i cast my eyes down
i blushed like hell though it was just another corny dream

as we stood there i fumbled for the right words
you didn't speak my language and i had to make you understand
i had to make you see what i felt
and thankfully i knew
i knew enough of your language to say that i loved you
that i wanted you
yet i was so flustered by your stare that i ended up saying:

"hold on, thank you for your trouble, isn't it?"

this is what my dreams are made of
corny drama and lines that amuse with their strangeness

but you understood even though i said the wrong things
you looked at me hard and you read me
you read what i was really trying to say to you
and as you got the message, you blushed harder than i did
you grinned and fidgeted
and i didn't feel so lame anymore

you turned away in embarrassment and mumbled
you said something about going back downstairs
you said you would wait for me there
and after you were out of sight i smiled happily and gloated

i gloated and i made the mistake of opening my eyes
i saw the reality of seven-a.m.-in-the-morning
i felt my rested eyes assaulted by the sight of my cold bedroom

and i quickly shut them tight so i could go back
go back to the restaurant
go back down the stairs and see you again
go back and speak more coherently and flirtatiously with you

but i could feel it was useless
and the scene never reappeared in my newly-awoken brain
so i got up and got ready for reality to assault me for one more day

and shit, i really need to learn Japanese

(Okiayu-san ni)


Autobiographical Fun
Ganymede's Library
Ganymede's Palace