Normally I would never write a bitchy rant about one of my friends (let me call her X for the hell of it :p), but I had to get it out of my system, because talking to X directly has not been working. This is the kind of thing that I'd rather rant about to a person (or persons) who knows X well, but in this one instance I don't want to put those people in an awkward position by ranting to them about it, so instead I'm making a rants page where I just... tell the whole world. *L* Blah, don't you just love my logic? -_- *g*

Anyway, let's begin! First of all, keep in mind as you read this that I love "X" dearly. :p She's a wonderful friend, and besides, if it wasn't for her, I'd never have met James (the guy with the same name as myself :p whom I'm very much in love with *_*). Also, please keep in mind as you read that my view of things is most likely colored by my own bias/subjectivity. Here's the rant...

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Recently, X had been acting strange and depressed. Through a bit of talking, I managed to pry out of her the fact that she was worried/depressed that James was neglecting her and abandoning her ever since he hooked up with me. And what was the main thing causing her to feel this way other than normal human worry? He had forgotten to call her when he said he would on more than one occasion.

I tried to cheer X up, telling her that just cause he did that it didn't mean he was *abandoning* her, and I told her about incidents when I had talked to James over the phone and he had said sweet things about her, but she brushed them off, implying and even blatantly stating that James either didn't mean it, or that they were just scraps at best, i.e. token sops for the loser.

This annoyed me for various reasons. First, the fact that she was worried that James would abandon her; that IS a legitimate worry which I think all humans get about their friends, but still, being worried *to the point of* acting strange and depressed? Perhaps I'm too simplistic/idealistic/trusting, but I have enough trust in my friends to be assured that they wouldn't *abandon* me if they found a boyfriend or girlfriend; in the first place, I wouldn't be friends with the type of person who'd do that. And if they DID abandon me, then fine, I guess they weren't that great of friends to begin with, and that's the end of that. I'm a strong believer in being able let go of what you love ("and if they fly back to you, then they really do love you" and all that :p), and to me, worrying constantly over whether or not you'll lose a friend is a waste of mental energy and takes away from the joy of the friendship itself. Besides, if you're that worried/paranoid/unsure about the future of a friendship, it makes one wonder why you're even still friends with a person in whose character you have such little trust.

Secondly, this whole "abandoning" and "not calling" thing - heck, if that was the deciding factor on whether or not a friendship stayed together, I'd have no friends! *L* For instance, Emiko and I rarely get to talk to or see each other ever since we both graduated from high school, but even so I still consider her a very close friend; and I'm secure enough in our friendship not to worry that I've been "abandoned" or that our friendship is "on the rocks" just because I didn't call her on the exact day I said I would, or because she didn't call me on the exact day she said she would. Things happen, people forget, people have lives and errands to run, or they fall asleep cause they're tired. Big deal. :p

Thirdly, I resented the way X acted when I pointed out concrete evidence showing that James still cared for/loved her. I resented the fact that she didn't trust his character enough (or me enough) to believe what I was saying. I resented the fact that she implied/stated outright that James didn't really mean the nice things he said about her (which is odd, since he was saying the nice things to me, and why would he need to fabricate compliments about X if he wasn't even talking to her at the time?). I resented the fact that X basically didn't want to hear what evidence I was giving her because her brushing it off like that just made it look like she WANTED to be depressed and upset, and it made it look like she didn't consider what James was saying about her as being very important.

Also, I still resent X talking to James about this whole issue (which she did shortly after she had brought up the subject with me). I mean, I know that's partly just me being protective of him, and I *am* glad she did talk to him (cause if she had a problem with a friend that needed airing, then I'm glad she aired it and got the communication lines working), but now every single time I talk to James and the subject of X comes up, he almost always mentions how guilty he feels. I resent this for two reasons: 1. in my opinion, he has done absolutely nothing he should be feeling guilty for, and 2. even if he has in the point of view of some people, I resent it when any person is made to feel guilty about things that they were not doing intentionally or that they had no clue about.

Today is Saturday, 24 June 2000. On the evening of the 27th, X and James are flying over to visit me for three weeks. I was ecstatic as hell to see the both of them; however, how am I supposed to enjoy myself now? Knowing what I know now about the way X feels, how can I NOT feel guilty when James and I spend time apart from X? Yet at the same time, if the three of us spend time together, how can I feel comfortable to be myself around James and WITH James, knowing what I know? And even if I spend time with *just* X, will she consider that another "token sop"? It's a lose-lose-lose situation, and being the selfish little bastard I am, I resent having what was supposed to be three weeks of lazy fun with a close friend and my boyfriend being turned into a potential disaster likely to be filled with awkward maneuvering and sidestepping in order to make sure no egos are bruised, no land mines go off, and everyone is happy.

True, this is something X has to deal with and sort out for herself (she's even said that herself), and she even said to me not to worry, that she'd be fine and that she'd deal, but still, it's been affecting her to the point that her mother, whom she isn't even speaking to at the moment, noticed that she was upset over it and was worried enough to mention it to another one of my friends. Knowing that, how can I not worry? How can I not feel guilty/awkward when she and James are here? Although it may not seem like it from the tone of this webpage, I love her dearly and I don't want to add to her issues, and I feel paralyzed because I feel like no matter what action I take while she's here, it'll just make things worse for her.

(Of course, even if she really is upset enough for people that she's not speaking to to be able to notice what's wrong, perhaps it's egotistical of me to assume that my actions will have so much bearing on her well-being, and perhaps I'm being just as paranoid as I'm accusing X of being and none of my nightmares will become reality.)

On top of that, I have major communication problems with X. With my close friends, if I see that something's bothering them or they tell me that they're upset, I ask them what's wrong, they tell me (or they might tell me even before I have to ask *L*), and I talk it out with them. They get to rant and vent and get problems and negative feelings off their chest, I get to listen and be supportive, and they do the same for me if I ever need it. That's why I consider them CLOSE friends. However, I don't have that with X. I did for a while, but now she won't discuss anything with me. As an example from a conversation I had with her last night: X was telling me how she hated everything and was depressed, so I asked her what was wrong, and she just said, "Everything." When I asked if she wanted to elaborate on that, she replied with just one word: "Nope."

I resent that. *L* Gack, I resent a lot of things, don't I? :p Seriously though, as a friend I'd like to help when those I care for are upset. The best way I know how to help is to give a hug and/or talk out the issue with that person. When I get a "Nope" like that, basically I get a verbal and emotional barrier put in front of me. I can't help, and I'm being told that my help (which I consider an integral part of any friendship), isn't even wanted in the first place. Therefore, in my biased view, being shut out like that tells me that my abilities as a friend aren't needed or wanted. Isn't that lovely? xp I mean, that's all well and good - I know that sometimes people need to stew in their own juices for a while before being able to discuss a problem with others, but it brings my own mood down to hear someone I care for tell me that they're depressed, and the LEAST they could do if they're going to bring my mood down is allow me to help and try to bring theirs back up. Otherwise, they just ruin my day, and since I can't help, there're now two moody individuals instead of two.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that friends should be happy and cheery 24-7; I'm just saying that I don't like having negative feelings dumped on me when the person doing it refuses to let me at least TRY to help clear up those feelings. To me the very prerequisite of being a *close* friend with someone is being willing and able to talk about things like that, so when I get that barrier put up in front of me by X, I don't feel close to her anymore. I wouldn't mind so much if she had always been that way with me (but if that had been the case, we'd never have gotten close to each other at all), but she wasn't, so I can only conclude one of three things: 1. either she doesn't want/need my help (friendship) anymore, 2. she doesn't consider me a close friend and therefore can't talk about problems with me, or 3. a part of her problem(s) is related to me and/or James and perhaps that whole "abandonment" thing, and so she doesn't want to bring it up with me again (which just adds more to my worry about her three week stay here with me and James... and I ranted about that thing enough already, so I'll restrain myself from doing it again *g*).

Gack. I wish I could see other explanations for all this, but I don't, and I'm afraid to ask because that might shut me out even further. The very REASON I'm writing a rants page about this instead of talking to X directly is because she closes herself off more and more every time I try to broach the subject. I'm not sure as to whether or not writing this rants page will somehow magically solve things for me, :p but it was definitely a relief to get it off my chest; and if you read all of this, thank you for doing so, and please, PLEASE visit one of my more "uplifting" :p pages before you get sucked into the same mood that I was in when I started writing this! XP

(*L* Seriously, I'm fine now that I've bitched and ranted... I'm weird like that. *g*)