by James Sanghyun Han (it's totally tubular Tay!)

(Skat and Ryath contributed to this parody; Skat's part is written in green and Ryath's contribution is written in red. Many thanks to them both.)

written Saturday, 12 December 1998 © (steal this and DIE ;P)

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*LMFAO* I promise I'll never write a parody like this again.

Coll Ohmsford's Shady Vale Lingo - written and narrated by Coll Ohmsford -

Coll Ohmsford speaks:

When traveling the Four Lands, it is important for you to keep the following lingo in mind. I hope that my Vale Lingo dictionary helps make your journeys through my home easier and quicker. Let's start learning the lingo!

Coll-ision - This is what happens when you accidentally run into me, Coll Ohmsford.

Coll-culator - Pronounced as "Coll see you (c u) later," this is what Valemen and -women say when they say good-bye to me.

Coll-Ander - A perfect pasta strainer designed by me and the shade of Ander Elessedil... He's one smart shade, lemme tell ya!

Par - I still don't get why my little bro was named after a golf term. Let's just say I'm glad I didn't get named "Birdie" or "Sandtrap" ...or worse yet, "Bogey Ohmsford."

Collorado - A region in some high-powered, arrogant country that was around before the Great Wars. They named their capital city after some minstrel named John Denver.

Coll NOW! - This is what my mum Mirianna used to say to me when I was little and I refused go to bed. Since then I've seen and heard the phrase "Coll NOW!" on many infomercials, though they always mispell "Coll" for some weird reason. Oh yeah, Netscape later stole my mum's phrase for their "Netscape NOW!" buttons.

Colliflower - Some stupid baker dumped flour all over me when I was eight and the Valekids used this nickname around me for two months.

Coll-aberration - This is what people coll (hehe) me when I go weird.

Collidge - This is a place that I go to to learn all sorts of cool stuff... in fact, the word "nollidge" was sort of named after me! Pretty cool, hah?

Collossus - People started colling me this when I hit puberty and began to grow like wild.

Collony - My last boyf- I mean, my last girlfriend called me "Coll honey" a lot.

Colleague - Anyone who's a friend to me, Coll Ohmsford.

Coll Kiss - People confuse this with "Colchis," the homeland of the sorceress Medea from Greek mythology, but the Coll Kiss is a legend in its own right among Valegirls.

Collective - People coll me this when I'm hyper.

Collector - Well, I'm not, but I would have been an actor if they didn't fire me and ruin my reputation on Broadway!

"Don't Coll us, we'll Coll you" - after I got fired I started job hunting again, and a lot of prospective employers used this phrase in my presence. I never figured out what it meant though, cause I never heard back from them.

Collogne for Men - For that distinct Valeman smell.

Protocoll - Rules as to how to behave when you're in my presence.

Colloquial - Words and phrases that I tend to use often.

END (thank god)