(on the show that is... not on the actual woman :P)

by Tay Trefenwyd (James Han type person)

written Friday, 8 January 1999 © (steal this and DIE ;P)

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*a scene of innocent looking flowers appears on the TV screen and cheesy Martha Stewart muzak is played as the word "Living" appears*

Martha Stewart: *fake New England smile* Hello. Today on Martha Stewart Living, we'll be learning how to cook exotic dishes that even I and my five hundred slaves- I mean, backstage assistants, have never heard of. *smiles again and turns to her right* With us today is Wil Ohmsford...
Wil: *wearing a cute dark green apron* *smiles nervously at the TV camera* Hi.
Martha: ...who is an amazing cook. *smile* He's from the south... *turns to Wil* Georgia, right?
Wil: Hah??? No, I was born in the Southland, though some of my ancestors were born in the Westland.
Martha: Ah. California.
Wil: That's Arborlon.
Martha: And are those pointed ears of yours a fashion statement? Very striking, I must learn how you do that.
Wil: Ehheh... I was born that way. I'm partly Elven.
Martha: *stares at Wil* *blinks and turns to stare directly at the camera* Well, they do say that all master chefs are just a LITTLE bit eccentric. *smiles and turns back to Wil* You know, you're quite good-looking, and my son's single. Are you available?
Wil: No, I'm taken by Mister Trefenwyd, who arranged for me to appear today.
Martha: *blinks* Oh. *pauses to turn to the camera and smile*
Wil: Urr, can we start cooking?
Martha: Of course. And what are we creating today?
Wil: Oh, a great cookie dough made with berries and sweet cream, from the Westland.
Martha: Mmmm. You Californians have the best ideas.
Wil: It's not California, it's the West- never mind. If you can beat the egg whites, I'll sift this flour...
Martha: Alright... *beats for a few seconds* Oh! *suddenly has flour dripping from her hair, face, and clothes* What on earth...
Wil: Oh, geez, I'm sorry! I dropped the flour bag! I'm so clumsy. *sticks out his lower lip a bit*
Martha: *flours falls off her nose, hair, chin, etc.* Oh, that's quite alright. *turns to camera, causing a slight cloud of flour* For tips on how to remove rampant flour easily from your body and your clothing, and for other handy clean-up advice, subscribe to my magazine, Martha Stewart Living. *smile*
Wil: *dusts flour off Martha into a bowl* Well, I got enough flour sifted now.
Martha: That quickly? I must learn that technique too.
Wil: Well, when the flour bag exploded on you it kind of... sifted itself. So anyway, the cream needs to be whipped by hand for a bit, so if you can mix the egg whites and sugar in with the flour I'll start on this cream...
Martha: No problem.
Wil: *whip whip whip whi-* Ooooops. Oh, watch out! *a big load of cream splashes onto Martha* Oh no! Not again! Sorry, I'm so sorry! I can never do anything right! *sobs* Even the damn Elfstones never worked for me! *cries*
Martha: *cream drips from her nose, hair, chin, etc.* That's... *drip drip* that's quite alright.
Wil: WAAAAH!
Martha: *drip* We'll be back after this. *smile drip drip smile*

*commercial break*

Martha: Well, Wil Ohmsford's "little friend" Mister Trefenwyd and I decided that it would be best if I continue today's show on my own. *smile* So, to finish off this exquisite California cookie recipe-
Tay: *turns the TV off* Oh, you're weren't that bad.
Wil: *sniffles* Yes I was! And that was your recipe anyway! I'm so clumsy in the kitchen!
Tay: *has a far off look* Yeah, I remember our night on the kitchen counter.
Wil: WHAT???
Tay: Making popcorn, you pervert!
Wil: Shure...
Tay: Eh heh heh... Well, wanna go to our kitchen now?
Wil: *suspicious look* Why?
Tay: You need cooking practice to stop being "clumsy in the kitchen."
Wil: You promise we're just going to be COOKING in the kitchen?
Tay: *crosses fingers behind his back* Of course!

*later, in the kitchen*

Wil: Ack, Tay! What- ahhh! HAHAHA, stop that! You said we were going to cook!
Tay: Well, I didn't say HOW or WHAT we were gonna cook, did I?

END