by Tay Trefenwyd (James Han)

written Saturday, 16 January 1999 © (steal this and DIE ;P)

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Top Ten Things Girls Say to Wil Ohmsford

10. Is that a pistol in your pocket, or just a tube of Chapstick?
9. Can I have the Elfstones?
8. Can I have you?
7. Are you related to that Spock guy on Star Trek?
6. Quit reading all my romance novels! You dog-eared every perverted page!
5. You've got your tunic on inside out.
4. You've got your cloak on backwards.
3. Your fly is open.
2. Uhh, why is it you only work for bachelor parties?
1. HEY YOU!

Top Ten Things Guys Say to Wil Ohmsford

10. So, was it just Eretria, or Amberle, or both at once?
9. Can I have the Elfstones?
8. Can I have you?
7. Dude, what the freak is up with your ears?
6. No, I'm not interested in naked pictures of you.
5. You're wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants.
4. Listen man, you stop hitting on my mother or I'll pound you into the ground.
3. Would you like to take a survey?
2. So if Perk was older would you have gone with him?
1. HEY YOU!

Top Ten Things Tay Trefenwyd Should Have Done Before Dying

10. Actually tell Preia Starle of his feelings for her.
9. Have a two-hour make-out session with Jerle Shannara and then run off with him.
8. Moon little Elven children.
7. Carve his initials into the Ellcrys.
6. Tell Jerle to get his act together regarding Preia.
5. Tell Jerle to get his act together, period.
4. Use the Black Elfstone as a hockey puck.
3. Do the tango and dance cheek-to-cheek with a Skull Bearer... you only live once!
2. Use Vree Erreden as a metal detector.
1. Get laid.

Top Ten Career Choices for Eretria in the Year 2000

10. stripper
9. international spy
8. internet junkie
7. waitress
6. equestrian
5. the next Madonna impersonator
4. indiscriminate shoplifter
3. raper of pointy-eared boys
2. crash test dummy
1. sexologist

Top Ten Ways to Make Allanon Laugh

10. Show him a porno movie.
9. Show him how to run over little animals with a pickup truck.
8. Talk about how smart you are.
7. Ask if he's a virgin.
6. Sigh loudly and mention how depressed you are cause you feel so old.
5. Nitrous oxide and vodka.
4. Ask what his thoughts are on the meaning of life.
3. Say that you think he's cuter than a bunnyrabbit.
2. Ask if he's a deep sleeper.
1. Tickle him in the stomach.

Top Ten Ways to Harass the Ellcrys

10. Build a fire next to it and then go away and leave the fire unattended.
9. Pluck all the leaves off one by one.
8. Make leafy crowns by breaking off the weaker/thinner branches and weaving them together. Then, then dance around the tree wearing the crowns.
7. Use a hacksaw to cut through the trunk, but only saw halfway through the trunk.
6. Make passes at the Ellcrys.
5. Make rude comments about the Ellcrys right in front of it and pretend that you think it can't hear you... for instance, talk about what an ugly color combination bright red and silver is, or talk about how even a nettle weed is so much more useful than the Ellcrys.
4. Put a huge black tarp over the Ellcrys and cut off its access to sunlight. Remove the tarp at night only, except for nights when the moon is bright.
3. Dally with the young Chosen men and keep them from their duty.
2. Introduce the Ellcrys to termites and/or woodpeckers.
1. Walk your dog and let him relieve his bladder and bowels right at the roots of the Ellcrys. Conveniently "forget" to bring the pooper scooper.

*LMFAO* I couldn't help myself... END