by Tay Three-Fun-Wigs

written Sunday, 27 June 1999 © (steal this and DIE ;P)

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Top Ten Hobbies for Allanon

10. Jazzercise.
9. Writing Shannara fanfics.
8. Headbanging to Chopin.
7. Doodling obscene pictures in the margins of the Druid Histories.
6. Stalking Terry Brooks.
5. B movies.
4. Clubbing.
3. Starting mosh pits at country music concerts.
2. Tae Bo.
1. Nude beaches.

Top Ten Cutest Shannara Boys

(this is purely subjective since there isn't much "official" Shannara art... but it's not like the other Top Tens aren't subjective :p)

10. Wil Ohmsford :D
9. Rimmer Dall (but only for the scene where he tries to merge with/enter Par)
8. Par Ohmsford
7. Palance Buckhannah (yup, the crazy king boy :P)
6. Shea Ohmsford
5. Tib Arne (okay, so he was a Shadowen... but I was sad to see him go :p)
4. Dayel Elessedil
3. Perk (shut up :P)
2. Tay Trefenwyd
1. Wil Ohmsford! :D

Top Ten Things Wil Ohmsford Wishes For

10. His parents to live again. (Aww... *schniff*)
9. A Game Boy.
8. A gay boy. :D
7. The famous cookbook, 101 Ways to Serve Reaper.
6. An Ellcrys branch.
5. An Elfstones user's manual.
4. Amberle to dress more like Eretria. *urm*
3. Eretria to act more like Amberle.
2. Crayons.
1. Spandex! :D

Top Ten Reasons Why Eretria Won't Make It in Today's World

10. Her "outgoing" nature only earns dirty looks from women and admiration from only the worst-looking males.
9. Horses aren't fast enough on the freeway, nor do they concern themselves with traffic rules.
8. See-through silk isn't decent enough to wear in public.
7. Neither are sharp knives and picklocks (which earns admiration from only the most disturbing males).
6. The "tough orphan" story is out of fashion and doesn't win any friends, since they've heard it all before.
5. Contracting a venereal disease is all too inevitable (see #10).
4. Only job options are horse trainer or prostitute.
3. Street life is tougher than Rover life.
2. No G-rated merchandising possibilities.
1. Destined to be sued for sexual harrassment.

Top Ten Things the Elfstones Might Do after They Retire

10. Get lost in a jewelry store and end up being sold as "costume jewelry."
9. Get lost in a sack of marbles.
8. Get lost.
7. Have a scandalous menage a trois that is later reported in full detail in the Druid Histories.
6. Get eaten by Stresa on accident - funnily enough, they never pass through his system, and upon his death, the people performing the autopsies can't find a trace of them anywhere.
5. Get mounted onto three separate pieces of silver jewelry, which are later separately bought and worn by a Gnome chief, an ex-Federation soldier, and a teenage Troll girl.
4. Turn into blue M&M's.
3. End up getting Alzheimer's in their later years and in their confusion destroy everything in site, whether they're possessed by someone of Elven blood or not.
2. Wren pulls a Rukh Staff on the Elfstones and drains them of all their energy, turning them into three little lumps of coal. The coal is later used to make superb grilled veggies.
1. You know how K-Mart has those "blue light" specials? Well...

Top Ten - Allanon's Best Kept Secrets

10. Allanon is a closet chocoholic.
9. Allanon is a closet Vanilla Ice fan.
8. Allanon is a closet romance novel reader.
7. Allanon is in the closet. :P
6. Allanon is actually barely over a meter tall - stilts, baggy dark robes, and capes create the illusion of being twice as tall.
5. Allanon created the goth thing.
4. Allanon is the best in his jazz dance class.
3. Allanon thinks he's pretty.
2. Allanon had a crush on the Addershag.
1. Allanon is really a _________ in disguise.

THE END