by Tay Trefenwyd

written Tuesday, 29 June 1999 © (steal this and DIE ;P)

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(a little side note: This is a parody of the American game show "Hollywood Squares" - if you haven't seen the show, this parody won't make any sense at all.)

Arborlon Squares

- a production of WOOL - Wil Ohmsford On-Line :P -

*opening theme starts, loud audience cheering is heard*

Tay: Hello, and welcome to Arborlon Squares! Since we're pressed for time, let's introduce our stars! In the top left square: the Elven Princess Amberle Elessedil!
male audience members: *loud cheers and whistles*
Amberle: *flashes a smile, waves*
Tay: In the top middle square: Eretria!
male audience members: *louder cheers, catcalls*
Eretria: *breathes in deeply and does "the smile"*
Tay: In the top right square: Mallenroh!
wiccan audience members: *big cheers* *wave a large "WITCH SISTAH!" banner*
Mallenroh: *nods slightly and raises one hand briefly* *holds a red rose in the other hand*
Tay: In the middle row, the left square: Allanon!
goth and/or grunge audience members: *loud cries of "MOSH! MOSH! F--KING MOSH!"*
Allanon: *does a sitting version of a bow*
Tay: In the center square: Wil Ohmsford!
audience: ... *silence*
Wil: *embarrassedly scratches the back of his head with one hand and waves with the other*
Tay: WUHU! *claps wildly*
audience: ...
Wil: *sneezes*
Tay: Ahem... In the middle row, the right square: King of the Elves, Eventine Elessedil!
middle-aged/elderly female audience members: *various cheers, lusty screams, dramatic sighs, and fainting spells*
Eventine: *hiccups* *lifts a half-empty tankard of ale as a salute to the audience*
Tay: In the bottom left square: the Changeling!
audience: *various frightened screams and one fainting spell*
Changeling: *hisses and shape-shifts into an exact replica of Bill Cosby*
Tay: In the bottom middle square: Eventine's beloved wolfhound, Manx!
audience: ...
Manx: ... Urf? *scratches behind one ear with a hind paw* BARK BARK!
Tay: And finally, in the bottom right square: Crown Prince of the Elves, Arion Elessedil!
college-age female audience members: *screams and catcalls* *throw bras with phone numbers written on them in marker at Arion*
Arion: *self-satisfied smile* *catches a few of the larger bras*

Tay: And now, our lucky contestants! Playing for the circles, the sexy half-humanoid half-stone statue to my left is Uhl Belk...
Uhl Belk: ... *sits in the same position as the famous statue of "The Thinker"* -Pleased-
Tay: And, playing for the X's, the cute dark-haired boy to my right holding a lantern is the King of the Silver River!
King of the Silver River (KotSR): *sniffles* *blinks his blue eyes and brandishes the lantern* Hi!
Tay: So then, let's start the first round!

Round One

Tay: Uhl Belk, you won the coin toss before the show, so please choose a square.
Uhl Belk: ... -The Elf in the center square, please-
Tay: *grin* Ah, Wil baby! You must answer the question I'm about to ask. Uhl Belk will then either agree or disagree with your answer depending on whether or not he thinks what you say is correct, and if Uhl Belk is right, the circle gets your square. If not, X gets your square.
Wil: Hah? *blinks* Square?
Tay: Urr, just answer this question: How many weeks was The Elfstones of Shannara on The New York Times bestseller list?
Wil: HAH??? Urm... *thinks* Well, there're seven days in a week, so... I say SEVEN!
Uhl Belk: ... -Agree-
Tay: Sorry! It was on the bestseller list for sixteen weeks! X gets the square!
Wil: *pout*
Tay: Okay, now the king's turn!
KotSR: *smiles cutely* Amberle Elessedil, please.
male audience members: *send catcalls in Amberle's general direction*
Tay: Amberle, what is Aurin Striate's alias?
Amberle: Wh- What? Who in all the Four Lands is THAT? And isn't "striated" something used to describe rock with cracks in it or something?
Tay: Just answer, please.
Amberle: Fine! Alias... alias... *think think* Sailor Moon? Well, "alias" in Latin means "otherwise" ...
KotSR: *munches on a candy bar that apparently came from thin air, holding the lantern in the other hand* Disagree.
Tay: The king is right, as the correct answer is "The Owl" - so X gets another square! Uhl Belk? Your turn.
Uhl Belk: ... -The Elf in the center square, please-
Tay: *cough* That square was already used up, and as X is about to make a diagonal tic-tac-toe, shouldn't you block him by trying to get a circle in Arion's square?
Uhl Belk: ... -I am Uhl Belk of the race of Faerie, immutable and constant as stone. I shall not change. The Elf in the center square, please-
Tay: So you want to be immutable and disqualified?
Uhl Belk: ......... -The Elven prince in the bottom right square-
Tay: Wise. So it's Arion Elessedil!
female audience members: *screams and long crescendoing shouts of "wuuuuuUUUU!!!"*
Tay: SHUT UP! So, Arion, please answer this: Who was Eventine Elessedil's successor?
Arion: *leans back smugly* Me, of course.
Uhl Belk: ... -Agree-
Tay: Erm, no. Ander Elessedil succeeded the throne.
Arion: *sputters* WHAT?
Tay: Just go read Elfstones. So, this means that circle didn't-
Arion: *louder* WHAT??? How in HELL-
Tay: SO THIS MEANS THAT circle didn't get to block the diagonal, so now it's X's turn! King?
KotSR: *playing with a bright green yo-yo, with the lantern still in the other hand* Arion Elessedil's square to complete the winning diagonal, please.
female audience members: *restrained catcalls* *one bra is thrown*
Tay: Arion, what-
Arion: *flipping through a copy of Elfstones - Tay's 1992 copy :P* *pout pout fume fume* This isn't fair...
Tay: Arion?
Arion: *fume fume fume-ity fume* WHAT? *throws the book at Tay*
Tay: *ducks successfully* Arion, in Elfstones, what was the name of Perk's Wing Rider grandfather?
Arion: I DON'T BELIEVE THIS! What kind of unfair question is that?!
Tay: Unfair? You were just looking through the book.
Arion: SHUT UP! Your questions suck, and the answer's probably something stupid too, like Herrol or something.
KotSR: *refills his lantern with extra virgin olive oil* Agree!
Tay: Correct! The King of the Silver River completes the diagonal to win the first round!
Arion: *boggle* Eh? I was right? Hah, I'm good! *hugs himself* If I was someone else, I'd shag me!
Tay: We'll be back after this!

*long commercial break for such lame things as American cars, American fast food, and American sitcoms*

Tay: Welcome back! It's the King of the Silver River's turn to go first!

Round Two

KotSR: *repairing a Stradivarius violin with one hand and eating an ice cream cone with the other - the lantern is nowhere to be seen* Unlike my brother faerie, I am not immutable and constant - I thrive on change, variety, and fluid motion. Therefore, I'll take Mallenroh's square, please.
Tay: Mallenroh, please answer the following: In The Elfstones of Shannara, what is the name of the artist who did the line drawings scattered within the text?
Mallenroh: *casually transforms the rose in her hand into a hibiscus bloom* The Hildebrandt Brothers; however, I hate their drawings! The hands are always too big! They are NOT pretty things! *twitches and caresses the hibiscus*
KotSR: Agree.
Tay: *shocked* That's incorrect! The Brothers Hildebrandt did indeed draw the map of the Four Lands, but Darrell K. Sweet did the line drawings distributed within the text, as well as the cover art and the Westland map! Circle, not X, gets the square this time! Uhl Belk?
Uhl Belk: ... *has not changed position since he first appeared* -The Elf in the center square, please-
Tay: *sighs* Okay, fine. Wil?
Wil: AUGH! *hides the romance novel he was reading* Yes? *wipes bon-bon stains from his mouth*
Tay: *raises an eyebrow* Exactly how much Elven blood does Wil Ohmsford have?
Wil: Oh, this is easy cause Uncle Flick told me! "Twelve-point-five percent!" *does a thumbs up and winks*
Uhl Belk: ... -Agree-
Tay: *shock, again* Correct! Circle gets the square!
KotSR: *cracks knuckles* Time to get serious! The Changeling's square to block! *for no reason, the lantern re-materializes over his head and floats there*
Tay: Okay then, Bill Cosby?
Changeling-Bill Cosby: *hiss*
Tay: Bill, which of the seven ramps of the Elfitch was rigged to collapse by Browork and his Dwarf Sappers?
Changeling-Bill Cosby: *pause* *hisses and morphs itself into a large model of the number five*
KotSR: Agree.
Tay: Correct! The fifth ramp! Circle is successfully blocked by an X! Uhl Belk, choose a square!
Uhl Belk: ... -The human girl in the top middle square-
Tay: Eretria?
Eretria: *SNOOOOOOOOORE*
Tay: *purses lips* Eretria!
Amberle: *leans over into Eretria's square and pokes her hard*
Eretria: *SNORT* Oh! *quickly fixes her hair and smiles* Yes? *makes eyes at audience*
Tay: *rolls eyes* Why did Amberle leave Arborlon, even after being given the honor of being selected as one of the few female Chosen in Elven history?
Eretria: Cause she's a spoiled little princess whose mind has gone mushy from eating all that rabbit food she likes so much.
Amberle: WHAT??? You think a spoiled princess can do THIS? *leaps into Eretria's square and starts KUNG FU FIGHTING!*
Eretria: Augh, stop! Rover silks are expensive, you stupid little vegan! *fights back* The truth is you were too much of a crybaby to accept the duty the Ellcrys gave you!
Uhl Belk: ... -Agree-
Tay: *pause* *looks at judges* Urm, correct! Circle gets the square!
Amberle: *whines* This is SO unfair! This freewheelin' gypsy ho is totally wrong! *punch scratch* *her kicks were fast as lightning!*
Eretria: Shut up and fight, hippie! *slappity whack*
Tay: Urm...
KotSR: *balancing the lantern on his nose* Tay, I'd like Manx's square, again to make a block!
Tay: Yes, let's PLEASE get this over with... Manx!
Manx: BARK! *scratches himself with his hind leg and yawns really loudly*
Tay: Manx, why did Eventine send you away with Ander when he first woke up from his coma?
Manx: Urf urf! *ignores Tay and licks himself instead*
KotSR: *nearly drops the lantern* Urm... I disagree.
Tay: *coughs* Correct! Eventine didn't send Manx away cause Eventine wanted to lick himself, but because he was afraid of Manx! The Silver River's king blocks Uhl Belk again!
Manx: Urf? ROWRFFF!!! *starts barking uncontrollably at the Changeling*
Changeling-Number Five: ... *hiss* ... *changes into a big boa constrictor and slithers into Manx's square* *eats Manx* *slither slither hiss*
Tay: *boggle* Urm, Uhl Belk? Your turn.
Uhl Belk: ... -The Elf prince again, bottom right square-
Tay: Arion, are you blond?
Arion: *looks up from the hand mirror he was staring into* What? Yeah. So?
Uhl Belk: ... -Agree-
Tay: Correct, Arion is blond! Circle blocks the X's!
KotSR: *big blue eyes get wider* Hey. HEY! That was a total joke! *stomps off, pouting like a little boy* *lantern floats over his head as he disappears backstage*
Eventine: Hey? Someone say hey? HEY! HEEEEY!!! *throws tankards in various directions* How come no one is picking my square? HAH??? I'm hip and hunky, RIGHT? I'm with it! *BUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRP*
Amberle: *stops fighting* GRANDFATHER!
Eretria: Pay attention, you idiot! *punch stab etc.*
Allanon: ... *silently wonders why he's there*
Arion: Wha? HEY! *looks up at Eventine's square* DAD! Ale is dripping out of your square and onto my head! What would Mom think if she was still here?
Tay: Urm...
Changeling-Boa Constrictor: ...... *HISS!* *slithers from Manx's square into Arion's* *eats Arion*
female audience members: *angry screams* NOOOOOO!!! *loud gunshots*
Changeling-Boa Constrictor: *hiiiiiisssss...* *dies of bullet wounds*
Tay: Ohhhhhhh my... that's it for today's show! We'll be back with the closing credits after this!

*long commercial break for such lame things as American cars, American fast food, and American sitcoms* :p

Closing Scene

As the closing credits roll on TV screens across the country, ABBA's 1970s hit "Dancing Queen" plays in the spacious Arborlon recording studio. Allanon and Mallenroh are sitting in their squares, headbanging to the music - Allanon is doing exceptionally good air guitar moves, while Mallenroh's long straight grey hair, woven through with flowers, makes her headbanging rather spectacular. The audience claps in time as Tay holds Wil (who has come down from out of the squares) in an obscenely tight embrace and tries to teach him to dance to the tune; Wil blushes and pretends to frown in concentration over the dance steps.

Some of the female audience members are gathered together over the body of the Changeling, constantly stomping on the corpse and periodically crying out: "POOR ARION!" They ignore Eventine, who is stumbling around them drunkenly and alternating between making passes at them and crying over his dead son's fate; being unsuccessful at picking up one of the women, Eventine stumbles over toward Uhl Belk (who is still sitting in the same thinker pose, in the same place he was at during the beginning of the show) and tries once more.

In the very far back, a cluster of doctors can be seen wheeling away the unconscious bodies of Amberle and Eretria on stretchers.

This has been a production of WOOL - Wil Ohmsford On-Line.

THE END (finally... this was a long one :P)