by Tay Trifling Wind (whatever)

written Sunday, 4 July 1999 © (steal this and DIE ;P)

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*early afternoon, Trefenwyd kitchen*

Wil: *walks in, carrying a stack of boxes that obscure the view of his face*
Tay: Oh, be careful with those!
Wil: Shut up, I'm FINE! W- WaaaAAAAH! *wobble*
Tay: *deftly catches the two falling boxes* "Fine" you may be; coordinated you are not. *smirk*
Wil: Jerk... *blush blush fume* What are these things anyway?
Tay: Fireworks, so be careful with them. *puts down his boxes carefully*
Wil: Eh? Fire works? Fire doesn't work! You're so weird sometimes, honestly. *puts down his boxes carefully*
Tay: Urmmmm... "Fireworks" is one word. They're bright flashy things that Allanon is going to use to put on a... *thinks for a proper translation* to put on a magic show for us at the end of our Independence Day party, once it gets dark.
Wil: Magic??? So these "fireworks" are Allanon's big secret! Ha! And I thought he was a Druid! Heh. Loser. *smug look*
Tay: No, that's not what I-
Wil: And he's got the nerve to give me those damn Elfstones when he was letting these "fireworks" do all the work for HIM! *pout* It- it's so unfair! *lower lip quavers* *eyes well up*
Tay: *gets ideas* Aww, you poor thing... *glomp hug squeeze ravish etc.*
Wil: EEP! *breaks free and runs off*
Tay: *pauses to grab some handcuffs (that just happen to be in the kitchen)* *pursues!*

*an hour before sunset, Trefenwyd kitchen*

Tay: *wears a dark blue apron over a dark green shirt and light brown shorts while chopping vegetables* Wil? *chop chop chop* Wil! *choppity chop*
Wil: *walks in, looking worn out* *wears a Hawaiian shirt (unbuttoned :P) and short white shorts* Yeah?
Tay: Can you get the door for me? *chop* I think some of our guests are here. *chop chop chop*
Wil: Okay. *stumbles out*
Tay: ... *chop chop chop chop chop*
Mallenroh: *walks in wearing a short tank top and jean shorts, with her long grey hair tied back and sunglasses hanging from the neckline of her shirt* *carries a big shopping bag that reads "Victoria's Secret"* Salutations. The Elfling let me inside your home.
Tay: *stops chopping and washes hands* Hi! Did you bring the stuff?
Mallenroh: *nods* I have brought all the pretty things you required. *takes a medium-sized icebox out of the bag* Godiva ice cream, with chocolates, of course.
Tay: *raises an eyebrow* Of course.
Mallenroh: And... *takes out a Tupperware container* the candied flowers and petals to put over the ice cream.
Tay: Wow! This is a big help, thanks.
Mallenroh: *nod* Now, do you have any pretty things for me?
Tay: *pause* What?
Mallenroh: Surely you are not without anything in return. What have you brought me?
Tay: ...
Mallenroh: Pretty thing, have you brought yourself?
Tay: Please stop quoting the book.
Mallenroh: *puts on the sunglasses* Well, remember what you have seen. I hold the power of life and death. Choose wisely.
Tay: Yeah, you let 'em know, girlfriend.
Mallenroh: One more thing.
Tay: ... What?
Mallenroh: Which way to the backyard? Isn't that where we'll have the view of the fireworks?
Tay: That way.
Mallenroh: *walks out*
doorbell: *rings to the tune of "Norwegian Wood"*
Tay: *calls out while taking lobsters out of the fridge* Wil, can you get that? *stirs a steaming pot*
Wil: *walks in, with a starry-eyed Amberle and a drooling Eretria hanging onto him*
Eretria: *barefoot, wearing jeans and a bikini top, with her hair in a bun* *glomp glomp* Let go of Wil!
Amberle: *wearing sandals and a big Laura Ashley type floral dress* SHUT UP! Wil is MY... *stops* *looks at the kitchen counter* Vegetables? *gasps and lets go of Wil* VEGETABLES! *runs over to the counter and shoves Tay to one side*
Tay: *falls on his butt* OW!
Wil: My poor baby! *cries and rushes to Tay* Are you okay???
Tay: ... I am now! *considers using handcuffs more often*
Eretria: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS??? *fume* *mutters something derogatory*
Amberle: *doesn't pay attention* Oh, vegetables, DARLINGS!!! *weeps* My tasty little darlings... *hugs various bits of chopped things* Carrots! Romaine Lettuce! Kale! Endive! Radicchio! Shiitake! *weep weep weep* Oh, my luscious, sweet darlings...
Eretria: *turns away from Wil and Tay to stare at Amberle* You have the taste buds of a rabbit!
Amberle: ... *drops the veggies and turns around slowly* WHAT DID YOU SAY? *eyes flash*
Tay: *gets up with Wil's help* Yeah, shut up, vegetables rule!
Amberle: *eyes keep flashing* I may have the tastes of a rabbit but you have the libido of one!
Tay: Not again...
Eretria: I NEVER! *punch*
Amberle: *kick*
Eretria: *slap slap SLAP*
Amberle: *whappity WHACK!*
Wil: Oh no, they're gonna demolish all the food! *dives for the ice cream to save it*
Tay: *watches the fight for a moment* *dials a number on his phone* Yes, Chairman Mao's Take-Out? I have a rather large amount of food to order.

*sunset, Trefenwyd backyard, seated around a table, with a great view of the sky and surrounding area*

Amberle: *digs disdainfully through a take-out box of kung pao chicken with chopsticks* Who took all the vegetables?
Wil: *wolfs down a box of chow mein with his fingers* Thorry. I ade themmall. *munch munch*
Eretria: *stare* Why aren't you using chopsticks?
Tay: Too dumb to learn.
Wil: *eyes widen* Jush shuffup! *sprays chow mein at Tay*
Tay: ...
Wil: Hehe... *munch munch swallow* Sorry about that. *fidgets nervously but continues eating*
Tay: *cleans up* It's okay, my revenge comes later. *stares at Wil*
Wil: *almost chokes on a piece of walnut prawn* *KOFF KOFF KOFF*
Mallenroh: *faints in the middle of eating* *head falls into a box of lemon chicken*
Eretria: What's with her?
Amberle: Witches can't handle MSG.
Eretria: I thought it was salt they can't handle.
Wil: *still coughing* *KOFF KOFF KOFF*
Amberle: Well, *disgusted look* this food has a lot of both.
Tay: Oh, shut up, it's because of you and Miss Gypsy here that we're eating this anyway. It's a good job Wil managed to at least save Mallenroh's ice cream.
Wil: *still coughing* *KOFF KOFF KOFF*
Tay: Oh, PLEASE.

*sunset, elsewhere*

Allanon: *is out on an open field, looking through the boxes of fireworks* Damn archaic things... Wonder where Tay got these... *examines a rocket* Hmmm... How do you work this type of explosive? *think think* Magic is so much easier... *bites the rocket*
rocket: *dies*
Allanon: ... Guess not. *discards rocket* *think think*
sun: *sets*
Allanon: *think think*
sky: *darkens*
Allanon: *picks up another rocket and frowns* He would choose the more phallic ones, wouldn't he... Bleh. *think* OH! Yeah! I remember now! I have to light this string thingie on all the explosives!!! Wahoo! *sets up all the fireworks* *concentrates* *blue flames appear at his fingertips*

*night, Trefenwyd backyard, seated around a table, with a great view of the sky and surrounding area*

Eretria: *snacks on a small handful of candied violets* The sky's been dark for a little while now; shouldn't the Druid have started the magic show?
Tay: *feeding Wil ice cream*
Wil: *happily getting a sugar high* Mmmm... *smacks lips*
Tay: *feed* Well, Allanon should be getting things rolling any min- *hears a high-pitched noise* Look up there, everyone!
bright green fireworks: *explode in the sky* *BOOM*
Amberle: Oh, pretty!
Eretria: Impressive!
Wil: AUGH! *jumps up* What was THAT???
yellow and red fireworks: *BOOM*
Wil: WAAAAAHAAAA! *sob sob* Make it STOP!!! *crawls quickly under the table and hides there* *SOB*
Tay: *pulls him back out* It's just a bunch of noisy lights, Wil. *puts him back in his chair* Yippee.
Wil: *sniffle glare glare sniffle hiccup glare*
Mallenroh: *snorts and lifts her head groggily out from the box of lemon chicken* Eh? What is all this fuss about? *lemon chicken sauce drips from her face*
blue fireworks: *BOOM*
Mallenroh: *looks up at the sky, causing sauce to drip on her clothes* Ha, that??? Child's play! *drips some more* Exhibitionist tricks long since mastered by my sister and I, long before the Druids played with their petty diversions at Paranor! *drip drip drippity*
Tay: When I said don't quote the book, I was talking about paraphrasing as well.
Mallenroh: *ignores Tay* Eh? What is this concoction on my perfect face? *dips a finger in the sauce and eats it* EH? Sodium chloride?! Monosodium glutamate?!?! These are NOT pretty things! YOU! *points to Tay with a sauce-covered finger* You tried to poison m- *faints into the take-out box again*
Tay: ......
a whole buttload of fireworks: *BOOOOOOOM!* *BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM BOOOOOOM!* *BOOBOOBOOBOOBOOOOOOM!* *BOOM CRACKLY CRACKLE CRACKLE BOOOOOM! BOOM BOOM!*
Wil: AUGH! *runs around in little circles*
Amberle: *jumps up* What happened??? *grimaces from the loud noises*
Tay: *shouts over the din* I think Allanon went trigger happy!
Wil: AUGH! AUGH AUGH AUGH! *runs around in little circles*
Mallenroh: ... *snore*
Tay: Look! *points to the sky*
Allanon: *soars through the sky* *lands right next to the Trefenwyd backyard table* *coughs once and gets up, dusting himself off* SHADES! So THAT's what happens when you light them all at once!
Amberle: *glare* Allanon, how could you?
Eretria: Yeah Druid, look what you've done to Wil!
Wil: *stands motionless, calmly contemplating the still-exploding sky*
Allanon: *raises eyebrows* And just what have I done?
Eretria: Forget it.
Allanon: Any food left? I'm starved!
Tay: *glances briefly at the unconscious Mallenroh* Want some lemon chicken? No one's touched it.
Allanon: NO.
Wil: *still looking up at the sky*
Tay: Okay, this is getting boring. *shoots Amberle and Eretria* *kills Mallenroh with an injection of liquid MSG* *stomps on Allanon till he dies*
Wil: Eh? *looks over at Tay* What are you doing?
Tay: Wil! BABY! *glomp hug squeeze ravish etc.*
Wil: EEP! *breaks free and runs off*
Tay: *pauses to grab some handcuffs (that just happen to be in the backyard)* *PURSUES!!!*

*cough* THE END